Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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