How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
