dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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