why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
