i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
