So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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