my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
