I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
