Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
