It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
