Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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