do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
