Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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