i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
