I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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