btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
