if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
