Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
