no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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