Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
