his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
