i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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