is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize