M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
