I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
