You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
