My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
