3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
