please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
