i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
