you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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