By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
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