guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
