He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
