I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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