You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
