respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
