2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
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