I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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