I cannot find my penis.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
