I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
it's like iHOP with fire
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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