Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
