Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
