In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
