There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize