Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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