So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
