it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
