whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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