Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
