just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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