Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
