I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
