I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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