70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm both gender and math confused
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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