Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
